Grieving

I don't know what else to call it.  I'm in a place of quiet, almost retreat, in these last days.  There has been so much ease in a process that could have been steeped in stress.  And yet, the goodbyes hold the same weight on me.

I became an adult in Seattle.  I pushed through the 20's with a facade of confidence and wisdom.  I entered my 30's feeling a bit like I was pretending to be a grown up.  Doing all the "right" things grown ups do.  I can't tell you the number of times I've looked at my daughters, my house, my husband and thought "Am I really doing this?"  And now I understand that feeling. 

I was pretending a bit.  Its kind of like changing eating habits.  You have to take a lot of energy in the beginning think about every meal, every instance where you might crave the bad stuff and really work at eating differently.  Or exercising or accepting a new concept or belief system.  There is a knowing in the brain that is powerful enough to make some big things happen.  But when the body, the soul, accepts and really owns these new habits and ideas, that's when the magic and authenticity happens.

We had been making changes in our daily lives to live more simply and more connected and yet we've been living in a context that could never fully support our personal paths.  As I move closer to my 40's, I feel like I am clear about how I want to express life in this world.  And yet separating from all the familiar, safe and loving aspects of my current corner of the universe is still painful.  Its not like they did me wrong in any way.  Seattle is a wonderful place offering lots of support for living sustainably and connecting to local food and wonderful people to live along side. 

But as I listen to my husband sharing details of his trip to our new home this week, I am finding comfort in a more thoughtful, conscious and authentic creation of our corner of the universe.  In a way that reflects our unique take on things and allows us to thrive. We all deserve to thrive.  Not just get by, or even to have to struggle for each gift along the way.  But to thrive!