Family Commitments

I have been gone a while, I know.  Sometimes the universe asks for a bit more focus in one area of my life and it requires me to put all my energy there.  This past month has been focused on family.  My own small nucleus, my family of origin and extended family.  I have been wanting to write about so many pieces along the way.  And yet, continued to hesitate.  Wanting to respect privacy, respect each person's process.  Wanting to honor the movement, the stalls, the stress, the joys without taking them out of context.

And now as I reflect on the past month, I think about how dynamic family can be.  How we are all placed or place ourselves into these clans with a life's mission to re-invent our roles constantly.  There is no stagnation even when some members try to create stone characters of ourselves.  We are ever changing beings taking on new tasks and responsibilities as we grow and learn more about ourselves, our potential, our relationships with each other. 

I found myself supporting my parents through a very trying time after they lost all of their possessions and their home to a fire.  I watched in wonder as my 4 siblings and I rallied and reflected on our resources and skills and how to best share of ourselves.  I felt such pride in how we were able to step above differing perspectives to get to the basics of what was needed.  This family I was born into now has 7 adults with 5 spouses and 9 children among them.  There are plenty of perspectives.  And yet, when tragedy strikes, there is alignment, consensus, united forces. 

And I marveled at my parents, dancing between trauma, dispair, loss and potential, gratitude, and peace.  I am grateful that they were able to accept help and yet I was and am conscious about not taking over.  Not parenting them.  My mom mentioned at one point that it was hard to go shopping.  It wasn't fun or relaxing.  It was stressful and overwhelming.  I watched them try to make decisions about things that in another time would have been easy but now required lots of energy.  Maybe the consequences were bigger but I also think the sheer number and importance of each decision was overwhelming. 

I was thinking about people who deal with trauma on a daily basis.  Who function under a level of stress that we only get in small doses.  Even my parent's experience is an isolated event.  They have the skills, the family and community support and emotional bank account to move through this and find some peace on the other side.  But people who are in life situations that always have them on guard must be experiencing a level of confusion, overwhelm, stress and disorientation that is debilitating.  I understand alcoholism, abuse, retaliation, homelessness in a different way now. 

And I think back to family.  One that is strong enough to rally, to support, to heal the small and big moments we experience in our lives.  Without that, we are often lost.  Because how often do we step up and respond to others whom we do not know as well as we do with our family?  So I came home to my two girls and my husband and I see my role as a bit different today.  I'm reminded, in the midst of all life's daily tasks, that I have a greater purpose in this little clan.  In the process of us discovering ourselves throughout life, we need each other to scaffold, to prop us up, to gather round when we are hurt, troubled, lost and beaten.  We are vital to each other's survival.  And there are lots of folks without this family structure who need us to see them as family.  To act as we would with family.  I'm thinking I have a new mission calling me.  We'll see where that goes.

Making Beautiful a Priority

Something has struck me recently as I find myself in a new consciousness about the impact of my thoughts on my daily sense of wellness.  I have been functioning in a place of disconnect for so long that I didn't even realize I stopped caring.  Or probably more accurately, I created such a psychological wall of denial that I convinced myself I didn't care.  I have known for so long that I was disrespecting my body and ignoring my creative self and so the consequence was a body I didn't like and surroundings that didn't reflect who I really am.  So to make peace with this disconnect, I had to create a story that suggested I didn't care.

Oh and how I can spin a story.  For a few years I pretended I just didn't care about how I looked, the latest fashion trends or tips and techniques for applying makeup.  And then came the stage of feminism.  Declaring that attention to my physical looks and "superficial" fashion or decor purchases was somehow a direct submission to the oppressive culture we are a part of.  And then came the environmental angle.  Reuse, recycle is my mantra.  We can't throw that out, it still has some use.  I know its broken but we can turn it around or use it in another way.  This one makes me feel so righteous too.  I am saving the planet because I'm not throwing away anything and I only shop at consignment and thrift stores. 

One of my favorite themes that seems to run through each phase is a feeling that I don't have the finances to pay for those "luxuries".  This is probably the most damaging in some ways because either I feel like I'm always poor or I feel guilty when I spend money on some basic self care like hair cuts, new clothes, or new shoes.  I'm not talking accessories here.  I'm talking some needed items.  I have about 5 outfits that I rotate through until they are shredded and then buy another set of Target specials.  The guilt from these purchases often drag along with them resentment which leads to poor shopping decisions and bad timing.  Its a horrible cycle really.

But I'm really tired of clothes not fitting.  I'm really tired of the psychological work that is required to step out of the house in clothes that make me feel embarrassed.  Or the hair style/lack of style that makes me feel disheveled and unkempt.  It really is exhausting.  So much so that I try to avoid mirrors most of the time.

I look at my house and am tired of looking at a room full of furniture that looks like a college student collected it from several street corners.  I think there are 4 colors of wood finish in my living room!!!

But here's the trick. I believe women should be heard and not just seen.  I believe women should be valued for all of who they are, not just how they look and I'm not comfortable with the way some women are using their physical appearances to manipulate the sexist world around them.  I also believe in being very thoughtful about my use of materials and how my living makes an impact on our environment.  I do feel good when I'm able to re-use something and it turns into something really ingenious or beautiful.  And the reality is, we are in a tight financial situation right now.  But we haven't always been and more importantly...

IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!

Feeling beautiful and creating beauty in my space does not require mass amounts of money, or a submission to a sexist culture or disregard for the environment.

When I type that it seems so obvious and yet, these are the stories in my unconscious.  I have to deal with them!

So this year, I'm on a mission.  I intend to make decisions that include beauty as a quality.  I get to feel beautiful.  I get to look at my home and see beautiful spaces.  I get to feel proud of my consumption decisions and know that I am choosing quality, sustainable materials.

The first thing I've started to do is get my bathroom rejuvenated.  A coat of paint makes a huge difference, don't you think?  I wish you could have seen it before.  Off white walls, oak finish on cabinets, weird stains and splatters on the walls, broken sheetrock from towel racks improperly installed.  A new rug is on the list but that's a pretty small investment.

What?  Isn't this the first thing you think of when I say beauty in the bathroom?  Clean blue walls and white fixtures.  That's clean and fresh to me!

I'll keep posting about how beauty is showing up for me.  What priorities do you make to keep beauty in your life?

Past, Present and Future

I feel like I'm separating my brain and emotions into parts.  I am trying to live calmly in the past, present and future at the same time.  I walk through the house sorting through our stuff, stirring up memories and determining whether I need the item or am willing to let that memory and thing slide off into another life.  At the same time, I'm trying to manage the laundry, sweep the floor, clean the kitchen, all of which are getting less and less attention each day.  And then there is the need to think about the next steps.  I can't go as far as work or what its going to be like living in Colorado yet.  The only future I have room for right now is how are we going to pack for the road and the last days here.  What path are we going to take to get there and what myriad of surprises can I pack for the girls to keep them somewhat calm for 5 hours of driving each day when neither of them tolerate much more than 30min.

Chickens getting a wagon ride to their new home.  Lucy shared all their favorite treats too.  Spinach leaves, strawberry tops, leftover rice and oatmeal.

Some days its exhausting.  Most days I'm able to separate my emotions and stay focused on the now.  Letting go of stuff has been fairly easy.  There is a lot of clarity for me in what we need and what we don't.  I don't have too much problem with stuff.  Although looking at the garage filling up I had an emotional moment yesterday thinking about the millions of people throughout the world who live on far less.  But that's another post.

Their new home right next to the swing and hammock.  Just like at our house!

Today we took the chickens to a new home.  It is a perfect scenario really.  Our neighbors just two blocks away have a little girl and they are super excited to have the chickens.  The only space they have right now is in the front yard under some beautiful old trees.  So we will be able to walk by on our way to the park and say hello.  They took the coop and everything so there is nothing more we need to do.  This step of the process has made me very sad.  I haven't allowed myself to think about saying goodbye to my friends yet.  I'll deal with that later.  This is the first goodbye.

Lucy helping Tess and Lady out of their box and showing Linea how to hold them.

I'm not quite sure what its all about.  Yes, they are like pets and no one wants to say goodbye to pets.  But I'm having a similar experience giving my veggies away.  I am so grateful that I don't have to just dig them up and toss them in a compost bin. I have a hard enough time thinning sprouts!  But these are growing, thriving veggies with so much food potential.  Food that I nurtured so that they would nurture us.  I think because the chickens and the veggies are such an integral part of my daily existence and purpose on this planet, its really hard to say goodbye to them.

Checking out the grubs at in their new 'hood.

There is so much unknown about our arrival and future in Colorado.  I am not worried or doubtful that we will be recreating and even expanding my gardening and livestock plan but today I am grieving.  I am grieving the beautiful thing we've created here.  I am also excited for the good that we will be creating.  But I also am feeling impatient.  I need to figure out how I can still express this need to nurture and grow our food even in temporary terms.  Now that I think about it, there is a community garden in the center of Carbondale.  That sounds like the perfect place to invest and feel connected.

The Thing About Intentions...

I have a strong belief in the effectiveness of setting intentions.  Not goals, but intentions and that the mind creates easy pathways for our intentions to come to fruition or the mind creates all kinds of blocks and filters to narrow our possibilities.  Or, more clearly, what we think, we experience.

You see, this move was on our minds three years ago.  And during all the stress of the past 3 years, we kept saying what we wanted.  Usually in the moment of distress like, "I just want to live near family so we can have some help!"  Or "We need a living situation that doesn't require this level of income to support!"  Or "I want to live where we can walk or bike to all that we need and the car can gather dust!"  We weren't meditating on our intention.  We were just begging for something different.

As we've been telling people about our move, most responses are "Wait!  What?  Why?"  My response has been changing the more I talk about it.  Sure, the fact that we are unemployed is a catalyst but going to a small town of 6000 people from a big city seems like a strange move based on the need for work.  And believe me, I'm seeing the looks on the faces of people thinking we're moving just to find work.  And sure, we need some help getting out of the house since we can't afford to pay for it right now.  But we could have rented here or taken a free rent house from a couple other family members in other parts of the country.

We woke up to realize that our intention was manifesting and we needed to jump in and honor it.  I believe we all have something to give to the world, even if there are times when our minds add roadblocks.  I have to stay focused or I get sucked back in to all the doubts.  Why can't we thrive in a small community?  Especially if that is exactly what we've been wanting.  Maybe we're not finding the work we want to do here because we're not supposed to be here.  This place is not a part of our vision.  The community piece was here but not the other pieces.  I want it all and believe it will show up just as we need it.  I have the past couple weeks of experiences to prove it.  All that we need is showing up right as we need it.  As long as we don't start spiraling down the dark hole of doubt.

Yes, our minds are very powerful indeed.  So I'll take another risk here and share my intention.  Because I also believe in the power of group thought.  The more people sharing the same vision, the greater chance it will show up.  So if you want to give a little gift today, see this showing up for me.

I intend to nourish and inspire others while living in community and experiencing financial prosperity.

The site of our wedding seven years ago.  Really fun to come back with our children at the moment we are making big changes. 

How will I do this?  Oh...so many ways.  More ways than I could come up with on my own, I'm sure..  But...I have ideas in the works.  A retreat center that grows much of its own organic food.  A place for people to create, heal, gather, connect with nature, etc.  And maybe some books.  I have a few children's books written that could become great. I also have two adult non-fiction books outlined waiting for attention.  Or maybe its connecting with other Mamas and creating space for us all to find ourselves again and share our female strength and intuitive powers.  Who knows.  Maybe all of those things. We'll see how the path unfolds.

My vision for myself and my family is VERY clear.  I can see myself in 25 years relishing the fruits of the trees planted this next year.  What is your personal intention?  That thought that keeps creeping into your mind.  Maybe in the most stressful of times when you know what you really want.  Go ahead and say it to yourself.  Then to someone else.  Write it here.  The more attention you give, the quicker it will show up.  And you don't have to know how it will happen.  You just need to be ready to jump when it does.