Dual Family Income

I started a full time job last week.  Does that statement stir the intensity for you as it does for me?  I haven't worked full time since 2004.  At that point, I had no children, I was just about to get married and start graduate school. 

Now, we have two young children, we live in a new town and I am SO ready to be engaged more fully in a focus outside of our house.  AND...I would really love a little financial relief!!

So I am coordinating a teen sexual health grant in our county.  The job is really perfect for me.  Besides the personal commitment to children's health and wellbeing, I am working on something with intensity.  There is a chance of confrontation and scandal that keeps me excited.  The hours are completely flexible and I can work from anywhere.  Plus, I get to travel around the county and out of state, I get to meet folks all over who are invested in teen health, I get to teach and I get to organize communities around this important issue. 

And yet...the transition to full time work, to adding another compartment in my multi-tasking brain has been exhausting.  The family is doing great.  We are working out the logistics of a one car family with two jobs.  I take the bus most days but its not always practical with the amount of stuff I have to lug around for my mobile office or with the locations of some of my meetings.  So we are planning on getting a second vehicle in a couple months.  I really like feeling good about being a one car family and riding my bike all over town but I will have to impact my carbon footprint in other ways. 

Some things I've learned so far on this journey:

1.  ALWAYS get fully ready for the day before the children are awake.  (this means showered, dressed, makeup and hair done and sometimes even breakfast!)

2.  It really does make sense to do lunches the night before.  As exhausting as that is each night its better than the rush and craziness to start the day.

3.  Notes to self at the front door are not silly.  They keep clothes from getting left in the laundry for several days and keep me from paying gigantic library fines.  (I had such a nice routine when I wasn't working)

4.  The tantrums, defiance and general irritating behavior from the kids in the morning are directly related to their sense of disconnect from me.  They are tired, need me to stop hounding them to hurry up and mean that this week, I will work one day from home with a toddler so she can have a little break from her big transition to full time daycare. 

5.  Family time has a different value now.  I am appreciating little interactions more than before. 

6.  Listen to my husband when he says that we don't actually have to attend the parent info meeting at school on a night when we are all exhausted and just need to have a quiet night at home even though this goes against every cell in my body that must meet or exceed the expectations of authority figures.  Thank you Rodney!

7.  Living with extended family is SO great but it is also necessary for our mental health, our stress levels and our family's success. 

I'm sure there are more lessons to be learned.  I'll share them as I discover them.  Mostly I am grateful that I was able to be a mostly stay at home mom for the girls first few years of life.  I am grateful I was able to maintain a connection to my work life with part time jobs with lots of flexibility in a field that understands and respects family.  And I'm intensely grateful for all the family and friends who continue to be our support through each transition we make.

Worm Bin and Fungus Gnats

Yummy, right?  Yeah, well, it happens.  Especially with just the right environment.  Dark space, basement apartment, no garbage disposal.  You get the picture.  What wasn't going in the bin was going in the garbage and it really doesn't take long.

So here's where we started.  I had a worm bin I had already created a few years ago.  I killed all the worms in my first attempt with too much citrus and onions, or so I thought.  I now believe I killed them with too much food in the beginning.  Like any good composting system, it takes a little while to find the right balance.  But with a pound of worms costing $25 I wasn't ready to try again so quickly especially when we had a yard/food waste pickup system in Seattle that took absolutely every food scrap we created.  SO...we move to Colorado and there is no yard waste or food waste pick up.  And it is suddenly clear how much we throw out that could be turned into that garden gold. 

My husband actually took the leap and ordered the worms which made us really commit.  There are lots of tutorials online for homemade bins.  They are not complicated.  They need some air holes and need to be opaque.  But other than that, the bin is the easy part.  Its the balance of materials that can get difficult. 

We have a paper shredder that never seems to get used for the confidential mail we originally purchased it for.  So instead, it sits in a cabinet next to the bin in the kitchen so I can shred newspapers.  They make a perfect bedding for the worms.  I've been keeping a box ready so its easy to add.  We layered damp bedding, a small amount of soil and the worms in the bin.  Then we spread out some food scraps and added another layer.  The first few days the worms looked so happy.  They were getting big and were very active. 

Then at around the one week mark, gnats exploded in my kitchen.  Its already crazy hot here so fruit is ripening really fast on the counter.  My fridge is overflowing.  But suddenly the kitchen was swarming with them.  It was gross.  So I took the bin outside and my mom and I did massive research online.  Oh the strategies people came up with.  I was starting to feel overwhelmed and like the bin wasn't worth keeping.  I wasn't ready to create a mosquito net bag for the bin and treat it with some spray each time I added food. 

Instead, mom found a simple technique we decided to try.  I like to start simple.  A jar with about a 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar and a few drops of dishwashing liquid.  Then add a cone of paper.  The gnats fly down the cone attracted to the vinegar only to be trapped by the dishwashing liquid.  And why the cone?  So those flying in can't get out before they drop into the liquid.  Just in case there are some smart ones in the bunch. 

This method is FANTASTIC!!!!  Within hours these little buggers are trapped and drowned.  I get a bit of a high checking how many are settled in the bottom of the liquidy tomb.  I know, a bit morbid, but it works for me! 

To the bin, I've added much more bedding discovering that we probably overfilled it and I dumped an entire batch of pancakes that I messed up which probably tipped the scales in the fungus department and aided the reproduction of gnats.  So we are letting it sit for a while and re-establish itself.  I'm hoping I haven't killed the worms.  Last I looked, they were still there, but not as busy.  I keep reading they just need more bedding.  I'm hoping that is the case and we can get back to business. 

Making Beautiful a Priority

Something has struck me recently as I find myself in a new consciousness about the impact of my thoughts on my daily sense of wellness.  I have been functioning in a place of disconnect for so long that I didn't even realize I stopped caring.  Or probably more accurately, I created such a psychological wall of denial that I convinced myself I didn't care.  I have known for so long that I was disrespecting my body and ignoring my creative self and so the consequence was a body I didn't like and surroundings that didn't reflect who I really am.  So to make peace with this disconnect, I had to create a story that suggested I didn't care.

Oh and how I can spin a story.  For a few years I pretended I just didn't care about how I looked, the latest fashion trends or tips and techniques for applying makeup.  And then came the stage of feminism.  Declaring that attention to my physical looks and "superficial" fashion or decor purchases was somehow a direct submission to the oppressive culture we are a part of.  And then came the environmental angle.  Reuse, recycle is my mantra.  We can't throw that out, it still has some use.  I know its broken but we can turn it around or use it in another way.  This one makes me feel so righteous too.  I am saving the planet because I'm not throwing away anything and I only shop at consignment and thrift stores. 

One of my favorite themes that seems to run through each phase is a feeling that I don't have the finances to pay for those "luxuries".  This is probably the most damaging in some ways because either I feel like I'm always poor or I feel guilty when I spend money on some basic self care like hair cuts, new clothes, or new shoes.  I'm not talking accessories here.  I'm talking some needed items.  I have about 5 outfits that I rotate through until they are shredded and then buy another set of Target specials.  The guilt from these purchases often drag along with them resentment which leads to poor shopping decisions and bad timing.  Its a horrible cycle really.

But I'm really tired of clothes not fitting.  I'm really tired of the psychological work that is required to step out of the house in clothes that make me feel embarrassed.  Or the hair style/lack of style that makes me feel disheveled and unkempt.  It really is exhausting.  So much so that I try to avoid mirrors most of the time.

I look at my house and am tired of looking at a room full of furniture that looks like a college student collected it from several street corners.  I think there are 4 colors of wood finish in my living room!!!

But here's the trick. I believe women should be heard and not just seen.  I believe women should be valued for all of who they are, not just how they look and I'm not comfortable with the way some women are using their physical appearances to manipulate the sexist world around them.  I also believe in being very thoughtful about my use of materials and how my living makes an impact on our environment.  I do feel good when I'm able to re-use something and it turns into something really ingenious or beautiful.  And the reality is, we are in a tight financial situation right now.  But we haven't always been and more importantly...

IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!

Feeling beautiful and creating beauty in my space does not require mass amounts of money, or a submission to a sexist culture or disregard for the environment.

When I type that it seems so obvious and yet, these are the stories in my unconscious.  I have to deal with them!

So this year, I'm on a mission.  I intend to make decisions that include beauty as a quality.  I get to feel beautiful.  I get to look at my home and see beautiful spaces.  I get to feel proud of my consumption decisions and know that I am choosing quality, sustainable materials.

The first thing I've started to do is get my bathroom rejuvenated.  A coat of paint makes a huge difference, don't you think?  I wish you could have seen it before.  Off white walls, oak finish on cabinets, weird stains and splatters on the walls, broken sheetrock from towel racks improperly installed.  A new rug is on the list but that's a pretty small investment.

What?  Isn't this the first thing you think of when I say beauty in the bathroom?  Clean blue walls and white fixtures.  That's clean and fresh to me!

I'll keep posting about how beauty is showing up for me.  What priorities do you make to keep beauty in your life?

Past, Present and Future

I feel like I'm separating my brain and emotions into parts.  I am trying to live calmly in the past, present and future at the same time.  I walk through the house sorting through our stuff, stirring up memories and determining whether I need the item or am willing to let that memory and thing slide off into another life.  At the same time, I'm trying to manage the laundry, sweep the floor, clean the kitchen, all of which are getting less and less attention each day.  And then there is the need to think about the next steps.  I can't go as far as work or what its going to be like living in Colorado yet.  The only future I have room for right now is how are we going to pack for the road and the last days here.  What path are we going to take to get there and what myriad of surprises can I pack for the girls to keep them somewhat calm for 5 hours of driving each day when neither of them tolerate much more than 30min.

Chickens getting a wagon ride to their new home.  Lucy shared all their favorite treats too.  Spinach leaves, strawberry tops, leftover rice and oatmeal.

Some days its exhausting.  Most days I'm able to separate my emotions and stay focused on the now.  Letting go of stuff has been fairly easy.  There is a lot of clarity for me in what we need and what we don't.  I don't have too much problem with stuff.  Although looking at the garage filling up I had an emotional moment yesterday thinking about the millions of people throughout the world who live on far less.  But that's another post.

Their new home right next to the swing and hammock.  Just like at our house!

Today we took the chickens to a new home.  It is a perfect scenario really.  Our neighbors just two blocks away have a little girl and they are super excited to have the chickens.  The only space they have right now is in the front yard under some beautiful old trees.  So we will be able to walk by on our way to the park and say hello.  They took the coop and everything so there is nothing more we need to do.  This step of the process has made me very sad.  I haven't allowed myself to think about saying goodbye to my friends yet.  I'll deal with that later.  This is the first goodbye.

Lucy helping Tess and Lady out of their box and showing Linea how to hold them.

I'm not quite sure what its all about.  Yes, they are like pets and no one wants to say goodbye to pets.  But I'm having a similar experience giving my veggies away.  I am so grateful that I don't have to just dig them up and toss them in a compost bin. I have a hard enough time thinning sprouts!  But these are growing, thriving veggies with so much food potential.  Food that I nurtured so that they would nurture us.  I think because the chickens and the veggies are such an integral part of my daily existence and purpose on this planet, its really hard to say goodbye to them.

Checking out the grubs at in their new 'hood.

There is so much unknown about our arrival and future in Colorado.  I am not worried or doubtful that we will be recreating and even expanding my gardening and livestock plan but today I am grieving.  I am grieving the beautiful thing we've created here.  I am also excited for the good that we will be creating.  But I also am feeling impatient.  I need to figure out how I can still express this need to nurture and grow our food even in temporary terms.  Now that I think about it, there is a community garden in the center of Carbondale.  That sounds like the perfect place to invest and feel connected.

Letting Go and Riding the River

Huge stuff here.  Big, scary, life changing stuff.  The kind that gives you butterflies and nausea at the same time.  My chest is tight, my head aches and yet I feel a relief in my shoulders.

Maybe I should tell you the whole story.  This is a blog about movement anyway.  Moving one's family toward a more sustainable existence.  And when I talk of sustainability, I'm thinking about our spiritual, emotional, financial and environmental sustainability.  I'm understanding how closely these are all linked.  Its a spiritual gift to feel connected to the life force that keeps us going each day.  To know that we are respecting the resources of the planet being used for us to live.  It is a social and political awareness that allows me to think about the people across the planet who are suffering or thriving based on how I choose to spend my money.  There is a real financial balance needed to be reached so that we can honor our responsibilities and our soul's purpose at the same time.  It seems to me that the strategies of living with environmental consciousness and using sustainable practices, can lead to a greater well-being overall.

For several years, my family has been trying to make decisions to align with these beliefs.  We've embraced re-using practices, we've been diligent with our city's recycling and food waste systems, we've added chickens, a bigger garden, connected with community, opened up our resources for sharing, paired down our spending habits, and tweaked our household to be more environmentally friendly.

The byproduct of these decisions has been an intense and beautiful connection to our community of friends here in Seattle.  We know our neighbors.  Lots of them.  We know our mailman, the grocery clerks.  My kids have friends who are infants to seniors.  We have a family built here that has created a loving environment for us and our children.

And yet, the cost has been a financial and spiritual one.  You see, we jumped into the housing market at what is now known as the height of the real estate bubble.  At the time, the prices just kept getting higher and higher and no one, or at least, we didn't know when it was going to come down.  Based on the traditional view of residential real estate, we thought we were supposed to just get into the market by buying a house, any small house (780 square feet kind of small) and we would be better able to move around in a few years once we gained some value.  Well...clearly the system no longer works that way.  Our value has dropped and will continue to drop for a while.  Some city transportation changes may cause it to drop even further.

We found ourselves in not only unfullfilling work but I have watched my husband's soul be stripped away for the past few years as he took jobs for the sole purpose of paying bills and keeping this house.  We were working toward a new plan several years ago when I discovered I was pregnant and had to go on bed rest.  Yet again, we needed to deal with the immediate needs of the family and hold off on any real change.

And then 3 months ago, my husband lost his job.  There are moments in our lives when I think the universe just kicks us in the butt as a gift.  We had a vision for where we wanted our family to go and couldn't make it there on our own.  I realized that for years I had been holding on to our amazing family of friends so tightly and just hoping everything else would fall into place.  I was even holding tightly to this house.  Making more space, building a porch, converting part of the garage into a studio.  We just kept trying.

This past weekend I called my brother in hopes of some moral support.  He and his family has had their own experience with tough financial and lifestyle changes.  I needed him to tell me that it would work out ok.  But secretly, I wanted him to give me some amazing secret answer that would solve all these problems.  We've been trying to move closer to my brother and his family for several years.  We share the same beliefs in living connected to our purpose and community and the resources used for our daily lives.  They have children similar ages as ours.  We have spent hours on the phone dreaming about our "family compound" that both raised our food and had creative space for our spiritual expression.

As soon as we told my brother that we could no longer pay our mortgage and we were looking at a short sale or possible foreclosure he basically shouted Hoorah!!!  What?!

They had just closed on a house with a 2 bedroom apartment below.  And get this, it is almost twice the size of the one we have now.  You see, the universe had a plan.  We needed to be patient and stay focused on our vision.  But it is unfolding in front of us.  There is so much good among the stress.

We still have lots to sort out with our current space.  The bank and the federal mortgage programs have been less than useful.  But maybe that is part of the plan.  We don't qualify for any of the programs, strangely enough.  Maybe this is our path.  We have to go through this process to get to where we want.

I am really struggling with leaving my friends and the safety of a community I know so well.  Moment to moment each day, I question if we should be moving.  And yet, when I sit still with my thoughts and connect to our family's goals and with the belief that we can and are worthy of a life that honors our hearts as much as our responsibilities, clarity comes.  Yes, this transition is good.  As long as I can keep loosening my grip, keep relaxing my hold and letting myself ride the river, feet first, head up, all will be fine.  Eventually we'll settle in the deep waters that move slowly where I can soak in the vista again.